The Redwall Charts
by Shadowz
Summary: I've moved on from lists and onto songfics. These are all parodies of various well-known songs, mutated and altered by the Redwall characters. Go on, read it. You know you wanna...
1. Oops! Tsarmina did it again...

A/N: Lol. This one has been in the works for some time (as in ages 'n ages 'n ages) but it's eventually posted. There'll probably be a couple more chapters as well, just so you know, but it might take me a while to post. Hmmm.....oh yeah! Please review, and be nice! Would you believe that only 2 people reviewed my 'Deeper Shade of Blue' fic? Only 2! I want loads more reviews this time please.  
  
Disclaimer: Redwall to Brian Jaques, song to Britney Spears. The (ahem) **interesting** mutations of lyrics are my own.  
  
Dedication: All you lovely reviewers! (Takes several bows) OK, I'm done now.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Oops! I did it again!- The Tsarmina version!  
  
  
  
I think I did it again.  
I broke some brat's sword,   
Because I was bored.  
Oh baby,  
It might seem like I'm tough,  
And that certainly means  
That I'm serious.  
'Cause to kill my own father  
That is just so typically me.  
Oh baby, baby.  
  
Oops! I did it again!  
Got Gingivere framed.  
Got lost in the game.  
Oh baby, baby.  
Oops, you think I'm afraid,  
That I'm like a new-born babe...  
I'm not that innocent!  
  
Y'see, my problem is this:  
I'm dreaming away  
Wishing that water did not truly exist.  
I won't cry whilst watching the days.  
But y'see I'm not a fool  
In so many ways.  
But to lose all my soldiers...  
That is just so typically me!  
Oh baby, oh!  
  
Oops! I did it again!  
I trashed my fortress!  
Got lost in the game!  
Oh baby, baby.  
Oops, you think I will win-  
And you're pretty right!  
I'm not that innocent!  
  
  
  
  
Skipper: All aboard, mateys!  
  
Martin: Tsarmina, before you go to Dark Forest, there's something I want you to   
have...  
  
Tsarmina: Oh, that sword's beautiful, but isn't this...  
  
Martin: Yeah, yes it is...  
  
Tsarmina: But that blade's badger-made! I'm the queen of a thousand eyes! I can't   
just diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!!!!!!  
  
Martin: Well, baby, that's your problem, not mine!  
  
Tsarmina: Aw, you shouldn't have! AND I REALLY MEAN THAT!!!!!!  
  
(Martin jumps at Tsarmina and pushes her head down into the lake behind her and holds it there...)  
  
Oops, I did it again to my horde!  
Got lost in the war, oh baby!  
Oops, you ((oops you)) think that I will beat them...  
You're right, Martin watch out for me!  
  
Oops, I did it again!  
Was fooled by Corim!  
Got lost in the game!  
Oh baby, baby.  
Oops, you think that I'll die,  
Well, wait 'till moles fly!  
  
  
'Cause I'm not that innocent.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
A/N:Well, what did you think? Feedback in reviews is always good, so now you must review! Thanks for reading and (when you do) reviewing! Watch this space for the next mutation of a song by a Redwall character! 


	2. Stan...I, er, mean, Matthias.

A/N: **Sniffs** Oh. Hey ya. It's Saturday afternoon, and I'm really ill. Damn, that'll be my whole weekend gone. Oh well, it'll give me chance to catch up on my readin' 'n writin'. :-D **Coughs** Hoooo, but am I feeling dreadful today...  
  
Disclaimer:Stan is Eminem's/Dido's. Redwall is Brian Jaques's. Improvisations are mine **insane grin**.  
  
Dedication: Again, all the people who reviewed this. You're great, really, thank you!  
  
*~*~*~*~*   
  
Matthias- performed by Matthias, Cornflower, and Martin the Warrior.  
  
Cornflower: My tea's gone cold, I'm wondrin' why  
I got out of bed at all.  
The morning rain clouds up the window  
And I can't see at all.  
Even if I could, it'd all be grey.  
But your picture on my wall...  
It reminds me that it's not so bad.  
It's not so bad...  
  
Matthias: Dear Martin,  
I wrote but you still ain't callin'.  
I left my name, Sparra, and dorm number at the bottom.  
Sent two letters back in Autumn of the laterose- you must notta got 'em,  
There probably was a problem with the Dark Forest post or somethin'.  
Sometimes I scrawl the adresses too sloppy when I write 'em.  
But anyways, forget that, how's your girlfriend?  
My girlfriend Cornflower's pregnant now, I'm about to be a father.  
If I have a daughter, guess what I'ma call her?  
I'ma name her Sayna.  
Was told about your father too, I'm sorry.  
I had my parents die when I was little too.  
I know you hear this every day, but I'm your biggest fan.  
I even got the sword Ratdeath from the weathervane.  
I got a great hall full of your tapestry, mouse.  
I like the adventures you had with Gonff, that tale was great.  
I hope you get this, mouse, hit me back  
Just to chat.  
Truly yours, your biggest fan,  
This is Matthias.  
  
Cornflower: My tea's gone cold, I'm wondrin' why  
I got out of bed at all.  
The morning rain clouds up the window  
And I can't see at all.  
Even if I could, it'd all be grey.  
But your picture on my wall...  
It reminds me that it's not so bad.  
It's not so bad...  
  
Matthias: Dear Martin.  
You still haven't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance.  
I'm not mad- I just think it's mucked up you don't answer fans!  
If you didn't wanna speak to me outside Dark Forest gates, you didn't have to,  
But you coulda signed an autograph for Warbeak.  
That's my little Sparra friend,  
She's only six seasons old.  
We waited in the blistering limbo for four hours  
And you just said no.  
I think that pretty out-of-order mouse- you'er like her favourite 'mouseworm'.  
She wants to be just like you, mouse, she likes you almost as much as I do!  
I'm not that angry though, I just don't like being lied to.  
Remember when we met in that vision? You said if I write to you  
You'd write back.  
See, I'm just like you in a way- I never knew my father neither.  
He managed to die in my mum's arms before I gotta meet him.  
I can relate to what you're saying in the stories;  
So when I have a dreadful day, I drift away an' read 'em.  
'Cause I don't really got anything else, so that stuff helps when I'm depressed.  
I even tattooed your name on Bull Sparra's chest.  
Sometimes I even cut rats up to see how much they bleed.  
It's like adrenaline, their screams are such a sudden rush for me.  
See, everything you say is real and I respect you cause you tell it.  
Cornflower's jealous cause I talk about you 24/7,  
But she don't know you like I do Martin, no one does.  
No one knows what it was like for mice like use growing up.  
You've gotta call me, mouse, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever loose (even more than Gabool).  
Sincerely yours, Matthias.  
P.S.- We should be together too...  
  
Cornflower: My tea's gone cold, I'm wondrin' why  
I got out of bed at all.  
The morning rain clouds up the window  
And I can't see at all.  
Even if I could, it'd all be grey.  
But your picture on my wall...  
It reminds me that it's not so bad.  
It's not so bad...  
  
Matthias: Dear Mister-I'm-too-good-to-call-or-write-my-fans,  
This'll be the last package I ever send your sword!  
Been three seasons and still no word- I don't deserve it?  
I know you got my last two letters- I wrote the adresses on 'em perfect!  
So this is a thing called a cassette I'm sending you- I hope you'll hear it!  
I'm in the cart right now, doing 90 by the ditch!  
Hey Martin- I drank a fifth of October Ale. You dare me to drive?  
You know the song by Dann Reguba, "In the Air of the Night"  
About that guy who could've saved that other guy from drownin',  
But didn't, and Dann saw it all, then at a Jubilee Feast he found him?  
That's kinda how this is- you could've rescued me from drowning.  
Now it's too late- I'm on a 1000 candied chesnuts now, I'm drowsy.  
And all I wanted was a lousy vision or a note.  
I hope you know I ripped ALL the tapestry off the wall!  
I love you Martin, we could've been together- think about it!  
But you ruined it now, I hope you never sleep and you SCREAM about it!  
I hope your conscience EATS at you and you can't BREATHE without me!  
See Martin; (**Screaming in backround**) Shut up, verminfeatures, I'm tryin' to talk!   
Hey Martin, that's my Cornflower screaming in the back, but I didn't dunk her in the lake, I just tied her up.  
See, I'm not like you.  
Cause if she suffocates, she'll suffer more, then she'll die too!  
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at Saint Ninian's now...  
Oh no, I forgot...how am I supposed to send this tape out?  
  
**Cart wheels squeal**  
  
**CRASH**  
  
**Brief silence; a few screams from Cornflower**  
  
**Loud splash...then...nothing...**  
  
Cornflower: My tea's gone cold, I'm wondrin' why  
I got out of bed at all.  
The morning rain clouds up the window  
And I can't see at all.  
Even if I could, it'd all be grey.  
But your picture on my wall...  
It reminds me that it's not so bad.  
It's not so bad...  
  
Martin: Dear Matthias,  
I meant to write you sooner, but I've been quite busy.  
You said Cornflower's pregnant now- how far along is she?  
Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daughter that  
And here's an autograph for Warbeak-  
I wrote it on an Abbey mug.  
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the gates, I must have missed you.  
Don't think I did that intentionally just to upset you.  
But what's this you said about you like to cut up rats too?  
I say that stuff's pointless now- c'mon, how mucked up are you?  
You've got some issues Matthias, I think you need some Abbey counselling  
To help your tail from bouncing off the red walls when you get down some.  
And what's all this about us meant to be together?  
That's the type of trash that'll make me not want us to meet each other.  
I really think you and Cornflower need each other  
But maybe you just need to treat her better.  
I hope you get to read this letter- I just hope it reaches you in time.  
Before you hurt somebeast.  
I think you'll be doin' just fine if you relax a little.  
I'm glad I inspire you, but Matthias, why're you so mad?  
Try to understand that I do want you as a fan!  
I just don't want you to do some crazy stuff.  
I heard this one thing from Sunflash the other day that made me sick-  
Some mouse was drunk and drove his cart over a bridge  
And had his girlfriend tied in the back, and she was pregnant with his kid.  
And in the cart they found this tape, but it didn't say who it was to.  
Come to think about it...  
His name was...  
It was you.  
  
Damn.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
Sorry about the delay. AND I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST MATTHIAS, CORNFLOWER, OR MARTIN! I was listening to music the other day, and it just seemed like a good idea. **shrugs** Sozz if I offended anyone. Please review. Flattery will be greatly appreciated and flames used to toast marshmellows. **A la Homer Simpson** Mmmmmm...marshmellows...**Drools** Go ahead then! 


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